When New Fathers Struggle Quietly: Avoidance, Irritability, and Hidden PMAD in Dads
Why a Silent Struggle for New Dads?
When we think about postpartum struggles, we usually have an image of a mom rather than a dad. Postpartum Support International says that 1 of 5 moms and 1 of 10 dads struggle with postpartum. When it comes to resources, there are a bunch of resources for moms, from books to support groups, or even ob-gyn or pediatricians, who sometimes do the diligence as they ask questions to screen moms for postpartum depression and anxiety. Or other adjacent professionals involved in the mom and baby's care can notice mom’s struggle or just check in with her, like a doula, lactation consultant, chiropractor, or pelvic floor specialist. And still it does mean moms have lots of support, still a lot of them struggle in silence and getting through the cracks in the mental and medical system that has the “right” mission on paper: “We support moms, maternal mental health is important, bla, bla, bla”, and the struggles are real, not being seen and heard. And let’s also not forget that women are evolutionarily more wired for social connection, and a new mom can have another mom's friends that she might vent to. When it comes to the fathers, many of them might have fewer social circles, or even if they have circles of friendship, it might not be a safe space to talk about mental health.
But today I want to write about another group that is not getting so much attention -new fathers or fathers who are experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety. As Postpartum Support International says, 1 in 10 men can experience depression and anxiety during the perinatal period. The numbers are probably much higher, as there is no screening for dads at all. There is even bigger stigma for men to experience depression and anxiety while being a dad, as our society still lives by the beliefs “men are strong, boys do not cry, men are providers, etc.”
I noticed in my work, not only with mothers but also with fathers who experience depression and anxiety, the symptoms might look different. Dads might experience the followings sings:
-increased work hours and spending less time with the baby
-feeling irritable or short temper
-numbing through screens and video games
-focusing on logistics instead of emotional connection with the baby and mom
-feeling like a not-good-enough dad
-avoiding being with the baby alone
-worries about finances
-feeling alone and ashamed
-difficulties talking about their feelings with their partner
What are the risk factors for the dad to experience perinatal depression and anxiety?
-previous history of depression and anxiety before they became dads. What I see a lot:
-work-related stress
-loneliness
-lack of dad tribe
-previous history of trauma or stressful events
-complicated relationship with their own parents
-difficulties to do the self -care
-Not exercising
-Lack of sleep
The reality of becoming a father in uncertain world:
Becoming a father is not as easy or glamorous as society or social media views it. Especially being a father in an uncertain world where financial stress is real, and there is no roadmap to financial prosperity. As our connection becomes more social media- and text-based, and tremendously disconnected due to a lack of brotherhood, role models, and a safe space to talk about feelings.
What helps:
First think first, calling things their names: depression and anxiety for dads do exist, and it’s not a bad trait of dads’ character.
Postpartum depression and anxiety in dads are treatable.
Professional and social support are important
Sleep and exercise create magic
When I work with dads, I first help them understand postpartum depression and anxiety. We also work on bringing compassion rather than criticism to their feelings and experiences. We outline the tangible steps each day, what might help -taking a walk, resume running or exercising, getting to the coffee store to work, reducing overstimulation with the baby, working on the sleep as sleep exhaustion increases the symptoms. Getting social support: attending a dad support group. And working on stress management, getting the worries out of their heads, and helping them learn when they scare themselves and how to sit with the world's uncertainty. And no less important, scheduling a little joy activity each day and time with the partner outside of the baby. Connect with other families in the neighborhood with babies and socialize.
You might be reading this blog if you are a wife trying to understand and find help for your partner. You might also be reading this blog if you are a new dad or about to become one. Or you might be a dad who knows another dad who might be struggling now. I want you to know that treatment exists, that help is available, and that you are not alone.
