When Being a Mom Doesn’t Look Like Instagram

It’s already 10:57 p.m. You’re drained after a long day, and your energetic three-year-old is bouncing on the bed, running laps around the apartment as if it’s party time. You’re already anxious about how your fifth-floor neighbors will look at you in the elevator tomorrow. You’ve done everything—took him outside, read the bedtime book, and offered endless hugs and kisses. And then the beautiful moment of parenting comes, the one you dreamed about when you were pregnant… I’m just kidding. Instead, boom—you lose your cool. You yell, “Go to sleep right now!”

I’m not saying yelling is good or desirable—what I’m saying is that when it happens (because it will), it doesn’t mean you’ve ruined your child.

Where is all this gentle parenting now? Why, all of a sudden, do you feel more anger than patience toward your little one? Here’s the truth: it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible mom. It means you’re human.

So welcome to the club of imperfect moms—not the Instagram moms’ club. The club where moms occasionally lose patience, yell, get tired, and (psst) sometimes don’t even feel loving toward their child when he’s still wide awake at 11 p.m.

You probably swore you’d never yell at your kids. You read dozens of parenting books, promised yourself you’d always stay calm and collected. Maybe you even had this judgmental look inside of you at the Whole Foods store when you saw a mom raising her voice at her kids. You swore you wouldn’t repeat your parents’ mistakes. Yet here you are. And the guilt hits instantly: “What have I done? Did I just traumatize my child?” Your mind races thousands of miles per hour into the future—you picture him years later in therapy, struggling with attachment issues because of this moment. Shame spiral gets activated.

You are facing an unpleasant reality. Not only did you yell, but you also failed to implement all the Instagram advice—“do this, not that,” “gentle parenting hacks,” all that bla, bla, bla.

And then the voice inside of you starts whispering: “You’re a bad mom. Not only can’t you put your child to sleep, but you're off the schedule, and you’ve probably harmed your child for life.”

Hi, my name is Yuliya. I’m both a therapist and a mom. And I have some good news and some bad news for you.

The good news? Mistakes in parenting are not only unavoidable — they’re essential. Yes, you read that right. Mistakes don’t prove you’re failing; they prove you’re human. Not an AI parent following every rule from a book, but a real mom doing her best.

The bad news? Perfection in parenting doesn’t exist. And chasing it will only leave you exhausted, ashamed, and further from the connection you actually want with your child.

The “Good Enough” Mother

This is exactly what British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott meant when he coined the idea of the “good enough mother.” A good enough mother adapts to her baby’s needs most of the time, but not all the time. She comforts, soothes, and responds—but she also inevitably misses a cue, gets tired, or loses her patience.

And those small moments of imperfection? They’re what help a child learn that the world is not always perfectly predictable, that they can survive disappointment, and that they can grow their own resilience.

Yet, in my practice, I often hear a different story. Many of my clients carry such a loud inner critic that it completely takes the driver’s seat. Whenever their parenting deviates from perfection, they retroflect—turning the energy of frustration inward against themselves. The retroflection is a Gestalt concept, which in a simple way means self-punishment, like Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky—I’m kidding. But yes, parents see imperfection as a crime and then the self-imposed punishment follows. They start blaming themselves, telling themselves what they did was horrible, terrifying themselves with catastrophic fantasies about the impact of their “crime” on their child’s future.

Let’s Continue the Conversation

If what you read resonates with you, and you’d like to talk more about parenting—the challenges, the not-so-glamorous moments, and the loud victories—reach out for a free consultation. I’d love to connect.

I’m Yuliya Golubev, a Certified Gestalt Therapist and bilingual therapist (Russian and English). I work with moms just like you—moms with a loud inner critic, trying so hard to be perfect, yet feeling exhausted inside. On the outside, they look put together. On the inside, they feel tired, self-critical, and alone. Together, we can create space for all the different aspects of being a parent, so you feel less alone, less shamed, and develop more confidence as a mom.