Maternity Leave: Survival 101
The Moment You Waited For a Long Time
You had your beautiful surprise baby shower at work, with tons of gifts and Martha Stewart–style delicious cupcakes. You're scrolling through pictures of the event, which took place last Friday, and it's now Monday. It's 6:15 a.m., and you still hear the alarm buzzing, so you turn it off. You no longer need to rush; take trains, be on time, and avoid meetings — you are free! F-R-E-E.
You enjoy a quiet Monday, and your face breaks out into a calm smile as you look forward to experiencing your maternity leave: organizing the nursery, taking a slow stroll with your partner, and continuing nesting. Life is good, you thought, and then you felt a movement inside your stomach. You put your hand on your stomach and felt the baby moving. You were sitting in the quiet moment of enjoyment.
Knock, Knock, Who’s There? Your Loss and Grief
Fast forward a week, and you start missing your previously crazy, hectic lifestyle. You feel something is missing, though you cannot put a finger on it. The quiet morning without rushing no longer feels so calm. Anxiety starts to set in — what’s next? How will I give birth? How will I survive postpartum? How will I bounce back into my old clothes? How will I return to work? And who will I be without my work?
That question shocks you: Who am I if I am not working? Even though carrying a child and being a mom is 24/7 work without pay, breaks, a 401(k), yearly reviews, or bonuses. Why does a strange feeling suddenly creep inside of you that you miss your old life? You miss the meetings that used to frustrate you sometimes, the NYC commute with its delays and unpredictability, the rush to work, buying Joe Coffee and a fresh everything bagel with tons of cream cheese (which is not a healthy breakfast, but who cares). You miss ordering salad for lunch and not having time to eat it. Why, all of a sudden, are you not enjoying this quiet time and abundance of hours, but instead starting to feel scared?
Many Parents Feel Like You
What you’re feeling is not strange, selfish, or wrong. You are not alone. Many parents are surprised to discover that alongside joy, there is grief. You may grieve the predictability of your old life, the stability of a paycheck, the comfort of coworkers (or even stress — yes, you may miss stress too), or even the “old you,” the pre-pregnancy self.
This is what psychologists call disenfranchised grief — the kind of grief that doesn’t get recognized or validated by society. Everyone expects you to be glowing, grateful, and embracing every second of motherhood. The unspoken rule is: you should be happy, you shouldn’t miss your old life. Your grief gets alienated, which might bring feelings of guilt and shame — that you are experiencing something “not right” — and you become scared to admit it.
In Gestalt therapy, we talk about introjects — those “shoulds” and “musts” we swallow whole from society. You should enjoy every moment. You should not feel sad. Motherhood should be enough. These messages can leave you feeling guilty or narrow the complexity of your feelings.
It's normal to feel this way because you are not just a pregnant woman or a mother; you are human too — a surprise, indeed! As a human, you can have complex, ambivalent feelings. You can grieve the loss and also embrace the gain — pregnancy, motherhood, and everything that comes with it.
Surviving Tips
Just like on a rainy day, the feelings of grief, loss, or anxiety during maternity leave can arrive suddenly. The question is not whether the rain will come, but what umbrella you have to protect yourself.
It’s better to prevent than to treat. It’s easier to prevent isolation than to wait until you’re in the middle of full-blown depression. Here are some ways to be intentional about caring for yourself:
1. Make a list of resources:
Write down activities and places you can reach out to: La Leche League groups if you’re planning to breastfeed, Mommy-and-Me classes, prenatal yoga, or neighborhood parent groups. Repeat the mantra, parenting was never meant to be a solo activity — it has always been a village effort, and there is wisdom in that.
2. Schedule activities that help you feel like yourself again
Book a hair appointment or a massage before you give birth, so you don’t have to debate later whether you “deserve” it. Having it in your calendar makes it easier to follow through.
3. Be Proactive
Ask friends to check in on you, or schedule visits. After you give birth, join a local playgroup and start exchanging words with other moms. Remind yourself that this is not a choice but a necessity to survive.
4. Talk to people near you
Go to the grocery store, have a little conversation with the cashier, or chat with the barista at your local coffee shop. Remember, you used to be a social person — not a monk.
5. Build small, predictable routines
Don’t plan a trip to Hawaii just yet. Instead, create a rhythm you can rely on: Monday — Target, Tuesday — local coffee shop, Wednesday — take a walk with a local mom, Thursday — Whole Foods. Repeat after me: you are human, and humans thrive on connection and routine.
6. Remember: isolation is harmful
Solitary confinement has been used as a form of torture. That’s how deeply isolation can impact the human mind. You have a choice to gently push yourself outside — even just a short walk, a chat with the barista, or a trip to the grocery store. Don’t let yourself stay confined within four walls.
You Do Not Have to Be Alone
If what I wrote resonates with you and you'd like to continue exploring the journey of maternity leave while developing effective survival tips, schedule a free consultation today.
I’m Yuliya Golubev, a bilingual therapist and a mom. I work with women like you — professionals who’ve built careers and are now embracing motherhood with all its joys and challenges. Maternity leave can be challenging, but you don’t have to face it alone.
