Mom Anxiety at Night: Causes and What Helps
It’s 12.07 am, and you are not asleep at all. Instead of having tons of thoughts racing as the daily tasks, and as many of the tasks are not completed or do not have an answer:
-holiday presents for kids
-visit to in-laws
-yearly reviews
-your daughter’s piano recital day has a conflict with your work holiday party
-your friend did not text you
-why are you so tired?
-school’s teachers present
-how are you going to function at the work presentation if you cannot fall asleep right now
-your upcoming gyn appointment
-you need to refill your OMNI card
-you have not had your facial for the last three months…
As you were going through the mental list, it’s already 12.47 am. You are trying to turn and toss in the bad, but not luck. You are not even sleepy.
Mom’s anxiety is the number one reason for mom’s insomnia. Why would you call anxiety the going through the mental to-do list, you would say? Lots of times when we think of anxiety, we think of something extreme- feeling shaking, having panic attacks, racing pulse. However, for a long time, Mom has experienced anxiety through rumination. It often shows up as rumination: repetitive thinking, mental planning, and constant internal organizing. This type of anxiety is deeply shaped by social expectations and the caregiving role.
As a rumination so informed by society and mom’s role, moms are being engaged in a mental list, not even realizing they are not in the present moment, but rather trying to orchestrate, organize, and hold family functions 24/7. A lot of the time, moms are not even realizing that they are experiencing anxiety; rather, they think they are trying to solve a mental puzzle. If you recognize yourself here, take a breath. You are not weak — this is what anxiety looks like when you have been holding a lot for a long time.
So what helps?
1. First things first: Notice. -Bring awareness when you start going into a mental jig-saw puzzle. When you are lying in bed, pay attention to your thoughts. Are you thoroughly related to the here and now, or are these thoughts about the past or the future? You are a responsible person, no doubt. At the same time, going through tomorrow’s tasks at the same time as when you are in bed can make you feel awake. Try to schedule time to go through the daily to-do list, and avoid doing it in bed. If these thoughts show up gently, notice them and redirect.
“I will think about it tomorrow, not right now.” Practice redirection.
2. If you cannot fall asleep for more than ten minutes, stop tossing and turning endlessly or putting pressure on yourself to fall asleep. Go to the living room, sit on the couch, do some dull activity- read a book, avoid scrolling since it will make you even more awake.
3. Notice your anxiety about not sleeping. Try not to look at the clocks or check your cell phone to check what time it is. Just scaring yourself that it’s 1.16 am, that you're not sleeping, and that you'll continue to freak out about how you will function tomorrow at the meeting or with the toddler won't make your body relaxed and sleepy. It will do the opposite: make your brain even more awake. You are the mom! You know the drill! This is not your first night, you are not able to sleep, and you have had many nights like that, and surprise, surprise, the next day you were able to go through. Again, I hear that you might feel tired and exhausted, but the point I want you to understand is that by constantly scaring yourself that you will be asleep tomorrow and not able to function, will make you more awake and alert than sleepy.
4. Try cutting down coffee intake in the afternoon. As you will be surprised, but coffee makes your brain wired and keeps you awake, and keeps your anxiety loop.
If what you read resonates with you, and you want to have a deep dive into mom anxiety, I am here to support you. My name is Yuliya, and I am a therapist and mom who works with moms like you who cannot sleep at night because they have lots of thoughts and a to-do list. Together, we will understand what your anxiety is telling you, learn to recognize when you are anxious, and feel your body when you are scaring yourself. I will also help you learn a strategy to calm yourself down. Mom anxiety is real, but you do not have to be alone with it.
