Having a Newborn Is Easy: You Do Not Need Outside Help Or Other Myths Of Motherhood
Yuliya Golubev, LMHC, CASAC-2, LPC.
Babies eat and sleep, and it's the most beautiful and peaceful period of motherhood. In the former Soviet Union, parents did not have disposable diapers and all accessories, and they survived. When the baby comes, you will be just fine. You will have an instinct for what to do. You will fall in love with your newborn when the baby arrives. You do not need a nanny; you will learn how to do it yourself. You do not need any visitors or distractions during the first month. The baby needs a mommy, not a nanny. You exaggerate your fears about parenting.
How does it sound to you? Raise your hand if you hear from your parents, friends, neighbors, or strangers in the street. I bet you have listened to these phrases at least one time. Welcome to the myths of motherhood.
A quick look into Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines what a myth is. "a usually traditional story of ostensibly historical events that serves to unfold part of the world view of a people or explain a practice, belief, or natural phenomenon." So the question is how myths relate to societal roles and beliefs about motherhood. What is happening with us when we take these myths without assimilation and make our beliefs about what motherhood should be.
The easiest way to check what is the myth is and what a real experience you are going through and notice what is like for you. You might soon discover as a mom that your baby might be crying all night, and you feel so far away from being peaceful. You might find yourself so lonely in your experience as you might be afraid to share your feelings with family or friends due to the myth: newborns are easy; all they do is eat and sleep. You might be exhausted with the new role as a mother and feel so ashamed asking for help since you heard before that your baby does not need a nanny but rather a mommy.
You might also discover that bonding with the baby does not happen instantly, and you might miss your old pre-baby life. You might feel stuck in the apartment and want to see your friends or talk with the adults, not about baby topics, but you might stop yourself from even entraining these thoughts since you heard that you do not need distractions the first month since you are the mother now.
In other words, you might have a different experience than you heard before you would have, and you might feel alone in your experience due to societal pressure and norms.
Let's start normalizing that different experience has a place and are valid. It does not mean you are a bad mom or you do not love your baby. It also does not mean motherhood is not for you and that you made a mistake in becoming a mom. Having rigid beliefs that are not part of your experience create a feeling of loneliness and a feeling not being good enough. Ambivalence is normal when it comes to motherhood. Bringing compassion to your experience and support gives you energy and confidence. You can tell yourself, "This is my experience. These are my feelings. My feelings and experience matter." As you start to support yourself around your motherhood journey you will begin to outline the outlets for help.
So the question is, why do we need myths about motherhood? What is the function of myths in society? One of the answers is that the myths help us with survival. Once upon a time, people lived in a cave; the men hunted to provide for the family, and the women stayed inside to care for the kids. The roles could not be mixed up; they had to be highly rigid to survive. The story started to develop that was passed from generation to generation. The story of how motherhood is easy, beautiful, and natural. Mothers need to be needless, and it's all about offspring. Our parents, grandparents, neighbors, or strangers on the street did not live in the cave, but it does not mean they do not have their survival extinct. If we give a voice to the survival instinct, it will probably say, "I did it. You can do it. It is not so bad. Things could be worse."
The myths of motherhood are connected to survival instinct. Our ancestors did not want to remember the painful experience of motherhood since it would put the human species in danger. Our ancestors did not have the environmental support that is possible today. Our family, friends, neighbors, and strangers on the street probably lacked full support. Or they might have enough support. Something was missing. They must create a story to deal with the painful experience, "It was not so bad; I actually like it. Things were easy for me. I did not feel the exhaustion, loneliness, or any ambivalence." And they are right. Suppose the environment does not support any ambivalence. In that case, you will not have any change but focus on one type of feelings instead of noticing various emotions. They might also feel ashamed to admit it was not easy at some moments. They might ashamed to admit, “I resented motherhood or doubted my ability some days.” A simple story is always needed to explain the complexity.
As what you read so far resonated with you, or you might realize, "I want to have a deep dive into these myths," or you might think, "Yes, that's me, I am not enjoying motherhood, and I want to have a safe space to explore my journey and get support around it, rather utilizing another myth from my circle how I should feel or what I should do." If that's you, I will be honored to be there in your journey of motherhood. Together, we will unpack myths and notice the reality of motherhood for you and what you need to enjoy. My name is Yuliya Golubev; I am a NYC therapist that helps mothers like you who feel lonely in the experience and feel lots of pressure from the myths. Let's start together to demystify motherhood since we are not living in the cave.
